Really? After Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, Pearl’s birthday and all those relatives you really want me to reflect on 2013 and set goals for 2014? Hell no. I’m exhausted.
However… if we’re just talking about resolutions as I know them— a list of items I really, really want to accomplish but never actually do, then I guess I can throw something together.
1. Get more sleep.
2. Take the kids to Knott’s Berry Farm.
3. Knit my husband a sweater.
4. Take a trip alone. Somewhere exotic. Brunei? Dubai? Somewhere with an “i”…
5. Become a harem girl in a sheik’s golden palace.
6. Wear genie outfits and indulge in caviar and champagne.
7. Ingratiate myself to the 800 international concubines. Share recipes.
8. Rub the lamps. Smell the soaps. Smoke the hookah.
9. After a week of laying low, go for it. Get crafty with some golden thread. Make pom pons.
10. Hammer a brass teapot into a statement necklace.
11. Make a fierce winter coat from a Persian rug.
12. Pin to Pinterest. Watch it all go viral.
13. Become the sheik’s favorite American.
14. When he says my reward is that I get to have oral sex with him for 30 days, quickly offer to plan his next party instead. Tell him: “I’m much better at setting a table.”
15. Hire Justin Timberlake and Jimmy Fallon for entertainment.
16. The night of the party, slip a mickey into the sheik’s cosmo. Have the eunuchs carry him back to his chamber.
17. Attend private after-party with Justin Timberlake and Jimmy Fallon. NO OTHER HAREM GIRLS INVITED.
18. At breakfast, thank the sheik for his hospitality but say, “Now it’s time for me to go…”
19. Cue Justin and Jimmy to sing Ramble On.
20. Push the fig platter aside, stand on the banquet table and yell, “NOW!” signaling the revolt.
21. Watch all 800 harem girls toss their head wreaths into the air and spill out of the palace.
22. Lead the pack. Hair, silk and rubies flowing in our wake. A thousand wild camels galloping behind us.
23. Get a really good selfie.
24. Remember the eunuchs! Be brave. Go back and rescue them.
25. Sleep on the dunes.
26. Bid farewell to my new friends. Sign autographs. Make golf date for hubs and JT.
27. Hop a flight to LA. Call the family. Tell them I’m coming back with a great goulash recipe and a basket of rose soaps.
28. Stop at the giant donut place on the way home and eat three chocolate-chocolates.
29. Start Facebook petition for national holiday in my honor.
30. Get more sleep.